I never, ever thought my life with my kids would be the reality it is. When they were little, I could see personality traits in each one. Who knew they would grow and those traits would become so loud?
Having so many kids so close in age is such a juggling act, that sadly I'm not real good at it. I find I'm always missing something with each one. It could be small or large, a crisis to them and an unaware mom is not a good thing.
I have a lost child...not lost in the sense of not being found but lost inside themselves. How heartbreaking it is to see such self loathing. I just want to hug it all away but they grow and mommy can't band aid the boo boo anymore.
How many parents hit the roadblock in life where you just have to let them go? They have to fall, make mistakes, make bad choices and you're supposed to sit back and watch it all unfold. I try, but I am a mom of extremes. I'm either all in or totally withdrawn. As hurting as they are, I'm hurting just as much. Where is the damn manual? The one that explains how all this works? I'm a bit resentful that no book was given and now I look for answers and advice at every turn. I scrutinize myself, how my child could fall into the pit of self destruction and I didn't see it coming; I can do nothing to help because they have to learn it in their own.
You hear people say how wonderful being a parent is and I'd like to know what rock they hide under? It's bullshit. Being a parent is hard work. There is laughter in there and being silly. There is also a deep, deep love for each child. There is also fear, anger and pain.
I have a little one, who showers me with her love, giving me notes and drawing me pictures. I hope it never ends.
I wish I had bottled them all at that age.
