Where did the I love you go?

It's no secret that I am struggling with my son. He wants independence, he takes it, feels its owed to him, no one will stand in his way of it and in some ways I get that. What I don't get is the lack of respect he uses to gain his independence. The defiance is at times outrageous. Does this man-child really think its ok? I see in his face the struggle he is having with in himself but his needs outside of this home override the needs of his family. How easy it is to walk away then to look in the mirror and see what reality is. I know because he is so much like me.

I picture him as an internal tornado. Emotions, hurt, pain, shame, dislike all swirling inside. He self medicates. There it is, the reality, the thing that parents fear or what I fear the most. I know addiction. It's walked with me my whole life. It began with my parents, I, too became an addict. I watched people die from drinking and drug use. I saw some people make it out of addiction and have a life, a career and become successful. So my fears, my very valid fears get placed at my sons feet.

My struggles are with when to let go...let him be independent, let him be the grown up he thinks he is. Let the responsibility fall on his lap for the choices he makes. I find it so hard to let go of the litte hand that was in mine, the innocence, the joy of the shore, dirt bike riding, playing the game Capture at dusk with his friends, nursing the many injuries he had. The beautiful smile and always the I love you before he went to bed.

Those things are gone and as a parent my heart breaks. I feel like I have lost him to a world that I've tasted and lived in. One that I struggled and clawed my way out of. I truly thought I could raise my kids differently then I was raised. I thought if I didn't drink their lives would be better. A false notion that allowed years to go by in a cloud of denial. I am a good mother, I care, I love my children. Failure was never an option, a thought that in itself put pressure on all of us.

At this point all I can do is hope. Hope that he sees how hard it is to let go and how much I love him while I do so...it hurts, there is no seeking my approval because underneath all of this, whatever happens he is still that silly, crazy, lovable beautiful kid. He is so young, not quite 17 and he never says I love you before he goes to bed anymore.